What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
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Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Wise advice
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.