My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
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I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me