Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
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I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
(by @ZachWeiner )
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones