I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
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ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
ok hear me out: Luigiana
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”