If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
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[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”