He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
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Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Happy Thanksgiving
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???