If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
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Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat