*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
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“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.