no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
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me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.