1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
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“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
When you “pspspsp” too hard
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life