Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
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If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
every college guy’s fridge
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance