I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
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We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”