I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
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Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.