My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
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i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
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I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
#Caturday
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
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According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
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[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Happens to everyone.
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My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.