We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
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You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Awesome parenting 😂
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Autocorrect is my menesis
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?