alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
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If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth