And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
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three things we don’t talk about
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
In space, no one can hear…
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?