I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
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Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.