professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
You Might Also Like
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Sell your car
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs