Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
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How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then