My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
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You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.