I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
You Might Also Like
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
I feel attacked.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it