In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
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My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next