My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
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Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork