I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
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I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
I didn’t realize that was an option
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.