“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
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I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
the official breakfast of 2021
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Breaking news:
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh