“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
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I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.