Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
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“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
A new level of troll.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Not😆🤣