*puts cutlery down*
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Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Help Wanted
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.