NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
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One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
A customer told me they were never coming back….
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure