A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
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Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Message from the dog groomers
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on