First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
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You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.