me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
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My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza