My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
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Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’