I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
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I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Erm I’m gonna say no
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack