You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
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I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.