I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
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Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills