The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
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[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message