I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
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fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.