caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
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Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
same vibe as tangled headphones
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer