I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
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I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
#Caturday
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England