in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
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Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.