Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
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I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”