My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
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Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Remember folks 😂
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex