I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
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Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
I have two kinds of followers
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
im 7 sauces long
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube