5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
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Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”