i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
You Might Also Like
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.