When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
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Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
They’re on their honeymoon
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect