Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. š
You Might Also Like
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until youāre on the phone speaking to someone else.
I feel like every girl needs a āfella drawerā if you plan on having frequent guests.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
It doesnāt matter whatās behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, youāll get there..
Unless itās flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they donāt catch up…
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant itās just a salmon sitting there waiting
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and Iām up $83.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. Iām just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] youāve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, āWhat would Jesus do?ā, then I hide for three days in a cave
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out ālast ordersā and rang that little bell……
Me: Itāll be nice to have a dog around, we wonāt have to worry about intruders
My dog: Itās a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. Iāll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
The Friday File.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What theā
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I canāt get up aaahhh
Iām like a potato because Iām:
-not special, but Iām usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when Iām salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Ugh Iāve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?