I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
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ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.